Humour of the Week

HUMOUR OF THE WEEK

Pres.Bush (interactive dance video *s*) Alien Song (hilarious video!)

Church Bloopers

1. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication will follow.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

4. Don't let worry kill you. Let our church help.

5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the little mothers club, all ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

6. A bean supper will be held on saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on friday afternoon.

9. Tonights sermon: "What is Hell?" come early and listen to our choir practice.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

12. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

13. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the Ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

14. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

15. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

16. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.

17. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

21. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

22. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

23. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Ultimate Trouble

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!”

car.wmf (7222 bytes) The Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the young lady got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Jesus is watching you AG00094_.gif (7855 bytes)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began looking for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined the light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who are you?"

"Moses" replied the parrot.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered. "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

TOP TEN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY
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10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

QUESTION: Why do we say that something "is out of whack" ?

What's a whack ?????

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